just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
