I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
