haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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