She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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