every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
