I want to walk on stilts...naked
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I smell like Dick and happiness
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