I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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