My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
