I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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