You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
