i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
