Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
