I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
