i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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