peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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