I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
