Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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