Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
