I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
