I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
