Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
