So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
