The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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