I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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