then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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