Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
