Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
