At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
