I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
