Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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