my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
