Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
