who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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