I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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