she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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