I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So much rum. So many feels.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
