that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My life is pants optional.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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