My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
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