All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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