I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
