I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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