she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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