this beer tastes like vomit already
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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