I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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