not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
