I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
