I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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