I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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