I'm so fucking centered right now
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
