Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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