I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
