he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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